What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 12:38
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I will be 64.
Comes on , in middle age.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im still living with it.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She loved him until the end.
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One cannot live in the past .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I waited trembling.
It was going to be , some day.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We were not on the streets..
Are miracles real or do they just have natural explanations?
When she asked me how she looked .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was seconnd youngest,
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was in good health!
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Especially a lifetime of it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She wouldn,t have been !
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But, we were locked up after school.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was scared of men, in general
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Put me off passion for life!!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
What did i know ?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He resisted the act ,that day.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She married twice! .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was very sick at this time too.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was 9 years of age.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Who then, do I blame.?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I said to her
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Was to survive, this bastard.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I don,t even have a pension.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But it wasn’t much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I write beautiful poetry .
I have no regrets .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I think the readers, may guess!
As i do to all so called friends.?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So whats the point in blame.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Would this be the day?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We all went to grammer schools
Ive learnt so much.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She found it foreign!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But ive been too sick for many years..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He knew the spot.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My life is so biszare .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My family never makes their pension either.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
This is soul school!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So, i spoilt her more .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
All the time i was locked up.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And i lived it daily.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,